Seeing the Truth

I went to the eye doctor today for a follow-up to a hemorrhage I had in my left eye last month. Good news: hemorrhage gone. Figured it would be...the hemorrhage was either caused by the two colds I had prior to my last appointment or a violent puking episode (sorry for any graphics there). Bad news: the optic nerve in my left eye is starting to bulge.

Bad news lead to the "Can we talk?" conversation with the doctor. My reply was "Sure...you aren't my mother so we can talk about weight. I know exactly what you are going to say." And I did know what he was going to say. Dr. H was very nice about it and didn't lecture, ridicule, or make me feel stupid. He offered suggestions for exercise and encouragement.

I immediately called my mom since she had called during my appointment. I told her all was well because being made to feel guilty was not on my afternoon agenda. Then I called one of my friends and cried for awhile. I told the hubby my bad news while he was making his plate at dinner. He never even had the "I told you so" expression, which earns him bonus points.

My bad news? My PTC is starting to come back. There is no way around it: I need to lose weight and keep it off forever. Not for awhile. Not until the next baby, next job, next year...forever. The doctor confirmed my worst fear: I could go blind from this...and the second time around with PTC is much worse than the hellish first time.

I would like to think that God has a reason for this. I'll assume that I wasn't listening to Him hard enough earlier ~ thanks to the noise in Starbucks. Something like that. If not going blind can motivate me to lose 60 lbs once in my life...surely it can a second time. And I plan on never, ever having to lose it a third time. One of my pet peeves is having to do work twice, when it should have been done right the first time.

That was very depressing as a follow-up to the pizza convo Kristy. I'll work harder to lighten things up later this week.

The First Weigh-In of the Year

Well, I'm not nearly as motivated as Kristy to exercise. But I did make it out to the first TOPS meeting of the year. This is my SEVENTH "first weigh-in of the year". I'm not sure if I should be proud or depressed about that!

I joined TOPS in September 2002 as a way to prevent blindness. Weird, yes. After months of horrible head pain, I was finally diagnosed with Pseudotumor Cerebri (PTC) ~ also known as Intracranial Hypertension. The head pain was similar (but also totally different) than my typical migraines. The short story was that my body was producing too much CSF or just couldn't absorb the CSF it did make.

Typically this rare disorder blesses fat woman who are baby-making age. Thanks to lots of research, I know that it inflicts lots of people. However, the description fit me. If the pressure continues on and on, you could go blind thanks to the damage to the optic nerves. And that totally freaked me out. I made some major changes and immediately started a two year journey to lose 60 lbs. Thanks to the weight loss and lots of good meds, the PTC symptoms totally disappeared. Life was pretty wonderful physically...being a size 10 didn't make all my problems disappear but it sure did make some good shopping!

Fast forward a few years, out pops a nearly 11 lb baby. Most of the baby weight comes off. Then I start a job where I sit. And stress. Then sit some more. And now I have 60+ lbs to lose ~ again.

Apparently I celebrated the holidays a little too well in 2008 because at tonight's weigh in, I was certainly very plentiful. But this is what I enjoy about the start of each new year...I get to feel like I'm not toooooo far behind on all the work projects. I get to start all over on the weight loss since the first weigh in doesn't count as a gain or loss -- just a do over.

Hopefully I get back on track tomorrow...and start to put some thought into this whole journey. I wish I put as much thought into all this as Kristy does. I will certainly enjoy learning from her!