Mom

I'm sure not everyone is the same, but my mom can be my biggest supporter and also my worst enemy. She knows exactly what buttons to push and when.

Nothing in particular triggered this thought pattern. I was stuck in traffic for two hours tonight (about an hour and a half longer than usual), and I got to thinking back over some funny/frustrating times over the years.

Mom Story #1
When I had lost all my weight last time around (about 60 lbs), my mom called up one day and told me she found a great shirt for me at Sears. She just didn't know what size to buy. I promised to go try on clothes and report back. And I did.

Me: "Mom, I tried on a bunch of clothes. I wear a size 10."
Mom: "Ok, great, I'll buy you a size 12."

Mom Story #2
Same time period as Story #1...Mom and I are conversing after I went shopping at Old Navy.

Me: "I tried on a pair of 12 jeans, but they were too big. I'm definitely a size 10."
Mom: "Those jeans always run big."

Mom Story #3
Flash ahead to December 2008...those darn 60ish pounds are back on. Mom and I are chatting on my way home from work.

Me: "Did you make the appointment with the surgeon to have your hip replaced AND be checked for cancer?"
Mom: "Yes, I finally did it [after weeks of ignoring you]. Now that I did you a favor, how about you do me a favor?"
Me: "I know where you are going with this. Please don't. If I need help, I'll ask. Besides, calling the doctor isn't a favor for me. And you aren't comparing apples to apples."
Mom: "Yes, I am. Cancer and being fat..."

I stopped paying attention about then. She got mad. I got mad. And she hung up when I didn't have anything else to say.

This post went to the dark side all of a sudden. Stuck in traffic, I was thinking about these stories as humorous. However, I don't find as much humor to them as I reenact them. I just hope that I'm not as critical of my daughter when she's growing up and when she becomes an adult. I'm sure I'll struggle. But I hope my own life experiences have given me understanding.

And with that, I must go to bed. Work gets in the way of all the fun...and it arrives toooo early!

Live to Eat

I never really understood the phrase "eat to live." I heard someone in line behind me somewhere years ago say that she only ate to live. I thought that was stupid because I figured we all eat to live...we kinda have to. But after all these years, I understand it. I don't practice it, but I understand the meaning.

Tomorrow through this next weekend, I thought I would try out this philosophy -- especially when eating out. I love food when it is yummy. I'm pretty good at not eating something that doesn't taste good regardless of the cost or amount of chocolate. However, if the food tastes good, I would like to eat it. I like Kristy's idea of moderation. I'm just not big on practicing the concept. I thought of all this when my omelet was very fat and tasty at IHOP this afternoon. I wasn't stuffed when I was done, but I started thinking about how it would be good for the waste and good for the wallet to get "just enough."

Another factor in my decision to think eating to live is my girls-only scrapbook weekend away. I only work a half day on Friday, leave to go scrapping, and will come home Sunday evening. While I will only be an hour away, I always get the vacation mentality. These women know how to cook some pretty darn good food!

I'm trying now to prepare myself to eat meals and snacks in moderation. I should really stop thinking that every meal could be my last meal. I will be 34 two weeks from today...I've been preparing for this supposed last meal for a LONG time. And if it is, who cares?!?! I'm pretty sure it won't matter where I'm going.

Kristy -- I said hi to pizza for you yesterday. We went to a cheap, yet tasty, pizza buffet ~ great for our wallets...very bad for the waste. And I thought of you the whole entire time I ate my loaded baked potato pizza slices. Not so much when I ate the small salad.

Have a great week!

Wagons you fall off of

Well, last night was a doozie for food intake. I attended a wine group in which everyone brought cajun food. Jumbalaya, Red beans and Rice (vegetarian), gumbo, and some tasty appetizers, and a carmel and chocolate bread pudding for dessert.

Then there were the wines!! French wines. I tried a Rose (pink and sweet), chardonnay, some kind of white called Evolution, and a couple of velvety reds.

It was so tasty all around. How do you stop yourself?

So this morning I have a Green Smoothie. Fruit and spinach. Best food/alcohol hangover cure I've found yet.. (other than a slinger and a Ski -Clinton County shout out on Wikipedia...WOOT!)

But I digress. What I'm really here to talk about are planning splurges where I eat foods that are rich, decadent, and crave worthy.

Doing the Detox diet sharpened my taste buds, and showed me how much unnecessary, and not so tasty food I was consuming. I am starting to believe that if I eat something reallllly rich and bad for me...it better be DELICIOUS.

So I've been mentally compiling a list of high calorie foods that are worth the extra gym time...or so tasty that a little bit goes a long way.. It needs a catchy name though...like the Bucket List.

Maybe the "10 min extra cardio" list...or something...(Ideas welcome).

A pre-req for this list, is that they are only to be enjoyed in limited quantitites, and with some planning. (Like special outings...maybe once per month I get to choose one...)

• Pizza with a hand-tossed, homemade crust (Onesto's)
  

• That bread pudding from last night
• Spicy Gumbo/Jumbalaya...anything with Andouille sausage


• Onion Rings/Fries


• Rigatoni Pasta with a Cream tomato sauce (made with sausage and peas...yum!)


• All other pasta dishes!


• Bacon Cheeseburger, tomato, lettuce, mayo, mustard, ketchup, pickles, onions...with fries.


• White Castle (sorry we were discussing it the other day, and there's just nothing like it)


• All Stout beers (i.e. the Schlafly Tap Room Oyster and Stout Fest in March)


• Tequila (good tequila)


• Mexican food (no way to eat this healthfully ;)
• Fried chicken with mashed potato's
• Taco Bell (Not really mexican)
• Loaded Nacho's.
  

Hmm. that's a start. Mmm I'm planning a date with Onesto's pizza for February...

Seeing the Truth

I went to the eye doctor today for a follow-up to a hemorrhage I had in my left eye last month. Good news: hemorrhage gone. Figured it would be...the hemorrhage was either caused by the two colds I had prior to my last appointment or a violent puking episode (sorry for any graphics there). Bad news: the optic nerve in my left eye is starting to bulge.

Bad news lead to the "Can we talk?" conversation with the doctor. My reply was "Sure...you aren't my mother so we can talk about weight. I know exactly what you are going to say." And I did know what he was going to say. Dr. H was very nice about it and didn't lecture, ridicule, or make me feel stupid. He offered suggestions for exercise and encouragement.

I immediately called my mom since she had called during my appointment. I told her all was well because being made to feel guilty was not on my afternoon agenda. Then I called one of my friends and cried for awhile. I told the hubby my bad news while he was making his plate at dinner. He never even had the "I told you so" expression, which earns him bonus points.

My bad news? My PTC is starting to come back. There is no way around it: I need to lose weight and keep it off forever. Not for awhile. Not until the next baby, next job, next year...forever. The doctor confirmed my worst fear: I could go blind from this...and the second time around with PTC is much worse than the hellish first time.

I would like to think that God has a reason for this. I'll assume that I wasn't listening to Him hard enough earlier ~ thanks to the noise in Starbucks. Something like that. If not going blind can motivate me to lose 60 lbs once in my life...surely it can a second time. And I plan on never, ever having to lose it a third time. One of my pet peeves is having to do work twice, when it should have been done right the first time.

That was very depressing as a follow-up to the pizza convo Kristy. I'll work harder to lighten things up later this week.

Ode to Pizza

Dear Pizza,

I'm sorry it's been awhile. I don't think we've ever been apart for this long, but you know what they say...Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I know you're not aware of this, but our relationship was very destructive...what with your gooey cheese, and tangy tomato sauce...I couldn't resist you...EVER! I would take advantage of you, hoarding you all to myself.
And then i would ignore you. Oh, sure, we'd share a meal, but my eyes would be focused on the TV during the whole thing.

So it was time for us to take a break...I hope the break is treating you well...I often think of you, whenever I have a tomato, or a small mozzarella cheese stick... i wonder what you're doing, and if you think of me whenever you put on your mushrooms and pepperonis...you always knew my favorite.

Fear not, I know that we will meet again...and when we do, I'll be a stronger, better person for taking the time to really know myself, and to establish the strong boundaries I need to be in a relationship with you, Pizza..

Love,
Kristy

Silence

I have nothing motivational to say. I've taken a small break to celebrate silence. The hubby and child went to KCMO for a long weekend. Hubby was chasing autographs (he's a baseball lover) ~ he even put my mom to work helping him out. And the child went to all three sets of grandparents (maternal, paternal and great). How do you celebrate silence? My original plan was to work out every day. Reality is that I planned social events to coincide with meals, and then didn't have time to work out. Really.

• Wednesday ~ family left; I got very bored and hungry

• Thursday ~ spam friend rice (enough said right there)

• Friday ~ skipped first two meals and ate two cookies during my pedicure; dinner with the girls (and a few husbands)

• Saturday ~ I made waffles for a friend; sitting in front of the fire and then playing Wii created a hunger that could only be satisfied by splitting a meal at Joe's Crabshack

• Sunday ~ met some friends for breakfast; another friend invited me to dinner before our already planned date at Starbucks

• Monday ~ thank goodness, I have no meal plans; family will be home really late

I'm full of excuses. I know it. I'm well aware of that. Tuesday it will be back to poopy diapers, cartoons, dinner making, bedtime stalling, and all the fun stuff that I've totally missed out on this weekend. First I have to finish enjoying the silence.

Cheater, cheater, not a pumpkin eater

Because eating delicious, low cal, highly nutritious pumpkin is actually ok.
Last night I was given tickets to the Blues hockey game to sit in the section where they hand you beer, little chicken nuggets, and popcorn/peanuts and what have you (there was even some hot cocoa walking around in beautiful little paper cups like the ones from Starbucks).

So I decided, upon arrival that the diet thing was pretty much out the window for the night. And I had such an excellent time. I did go dancing after that (booya Gumbohead!), so there was some cardio involved.

Today was spent napping. I think i'm in a rebellious phase...but don't lose heart! I'm back at it today...

My foodiness

I have to say...the one thing about trying to eat 90% vegetarian food is the cool things people do to make savory, filling food out of nothing but beans and veggies.

I'm attending a Cajun themed wine group on Friday night, and I offered to bring vegetarian red beans & rice. this recipe is from a Louisiana native, who set out to make sure she had something as delicious as what she remembered from regular beans and rice...(without Andouille though...i'm unsure.)

woot!

Someday, i also hope to find a fantastic Pizza that is so delicious that I won't care it's low in calories...but i'm pretty sure that will never exist...(unless you know of one???)

Skerred...

My friend, Heather, always liked to say "I ain't skerred!". Well, I am.
I'm skerred of a lot of crap. I lost 4 lbs. I didn't want to tell anyone...because I might ditch it all and gain 10.
I've been coming across a lot of talk about food as a kind of addiction. And it kind of is. Some of the things I'm experiencing right now are very similar to the feelings I had when I quit smoking/coffee/diet coke.

I'm scared that I'm going to fall into a huge pizza and never crawl back out of it.
I'm scared that in order to get and stay fit, I can never eat pizza again. You and I know that it's not true.
But try telling a fear that it's crazy, and it will reward you...with more fears.

I'm scared that I'll find more excuses to quit exercising...and just be miserable.
I'm scared that my weight is a fixed thing...and i'll never be able to lose it
I'm scared that worrying about weight is all I'll ever do with my life.
I'm scared that Britney Spears will show up @ the Super Bowl with Bruce Springsteen.

And it's cyclical. I wake up full of energy and feel great! Then by the end of the day...I'm exhausted.

Tonight I've been sneaking cheese cubes...CHEESE CUBES. Seriously. They are made out of 2% milk, and I'm getting hungry just thinking about them. (PS. They are only sort of tasty in a desert island, no food, kind of way.)
And it's only when I'm sitting in front of a screen. Here or the TV. When I wash dishes, I feel full.

There is no justice in this world. I love the internet and I love TV. They both go better with cheese cubes.
Know what I hate? Washing the dishes, folding the laundry.

blech.

Oh ya, good news.

• Lost 4 lbs.
• Successfully finished 9 days of a veggie/no bad carb/no alchol/no sugar diet.
• Noticed a definite firming up of body areas.
• Had a nice eHarmony date.
• Exercise is going well, and it's much less of a chore. The lack of swimming tonight probably has something to do with my crankiness.
• Feel really good in the morning and right after evening workouts

Still need more yoga and meditation...but i'm getting there. I do love me some meditation.

Stay warm, all!!

Motivation Revelation

Kristy's math is amazing. I have nothing that analytical to report. My mind shuts off when the little one goes to bed...

However, I think her last post ties in perfectly with the "Motivation for Fitness and Healthier Living" presentation (by Lew Schiffman) that I attended on Friday. All his information (and anything I quote) is taken or based on the book Getting Physical by Art Turock.

The #1 reason why Americans don't exercise is the reason "lack of time."

Recognize that not having the time is a trap. The trap is that each of us has a fixed sense of what can "reasonably" be done in a given day including sleep, work, family, and social activities. If there doesn't appear to be enough available time for exercise, an "either - or" situation is created.

Committed exercisers find ways to have it all. They give up a rigid attachment to their existing schedule and adjust it to include time for all important commitments. When you're committed to being fit, the time you have never had for exercising suddenly appears. The problem has never been lack of time as lack of commitment.

And this is my revelation -- I have plenty of motivation to exercise. Being around for many years to see my beautiful little girl grow up is my top motivator. The size 10 clothes hanging in our spare bedroom closet is a distant motivator, but it's there. Wanting to have another baby is a major motivator.

The point is that I have several motivators. However, I have zero commitment. Nada. None. I'm a total commitment-phobe. Always have been.

I think this is a giant step for me. I can quit wasting time trying to find my motivation. I know what my motivation is...and it has been here all along. Now, I need to commit. And I'll start working on that tomorrow. Or maybe Wednesday...

A whole week

It's been quite a week. I forgot that without television there could be so much to do.

Something about starting exercising regularly feels like it sucks up all my free time and that I'm soooo busy and overtaxed with things to do. My family mocks me when I whine...

I want to do the math on this...

Total time: 7 days X 24 hours/day = 168 hours per week.

Sleep: 7 days X 8 hours/day = 56 hours per week.

Work: 5 days X 8 hours/day = 40 hours per week

Drive time for work: 5 days/week X 0.5 hours/day =2.5 hours per week.

Household chores/essentials (bill pay, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, doggie/kitty upkeep, Grooming :-):

**Estimated, and I'm being very generous when I say "cleaning"

** 7 days per week X 3 hours/day = 21 hours per week

"Free time" =Total-(Sleep+Work+Household chores)

168-(56+40+21+2.5)=48.5 hours left.

Wow. That's an impressive bit of free time. Thinking it over though, because I am single and go home to animals each evening, I'm going to add "Quality Personal Human Interaction time". Time to be social, and talk with good friends and such. Because that's as essential to good health as cooking/cleaning etc. . So let's say:

Quality Personal Human Interaction Time: 7 days X 2 hours/day = 14 hours/week

168-(56+40+21+2.5+14) = 34.5 hours left.

Aargh let's look at the plan, shall we?

1 Swim = 2 hours,

(with travel time, 45-60 min of actual swimming +swim prep/cleanup etc.)

2 hours X 2 days per week = 4 hours/week.

1 Strength train = 1.5 hours /session.

1.5 hours X 2 days per week = 3 hours per week.

Yoga + Meditation 1 hour/ day = 7 hours per week

Uh oh...let's count it up...

7+3+4= 14 hours per week of my free time.

So it eats up about half of my free time.

Is that so bad? hmmm.... It's just harder than sitting on the couch watching DVD's of "The Desparate Housewives".

High Heels

Ready for a jumble of thoughts?

I have found that high heels motivate me. They motivate me to stand taller, walk with purpose, and make me feel slimmer. One of my resolutions is to buy shoes of color. All my dress shoes are black. Most I had to throw out or donate due to my feet growing during my pregnancy.

Since this first month of posts is about our rededication, here is my update:

1. I have eaten breakfast every day this week. One day I ate it for lunch, but I'm still proud.
2. I have done my Walk Away the Pounds (one mile walk) two times this week. I'm not sure I did the workout two times last year.
3. I'm attending a lunch and learn tomorrow to dine on salad and learn about motivation. Lord knows I need it.
4. To help with my relaxation resolutions, the hubby and I are going to dinner tomorrow evening and taking the child to a Parent's Night Out event. We are seriously living dangerously here.
5. Work is going exceptionally well. I was asked to head up a big project today that will spice up my work life. I have been working on fun projects all week and have thoroughly enjoyed being at work...with only one or two minor (stupid people) exceptions.

So far so good this year! Happy (almost) Friday!!!

The First Weigh-In of the Year

Well, I'm not nearly as motivated as Kristy to exercise. But I did make it out to the first TOPS meeting of the year. This is my SEVENTH "first weigh-in of the year". I'm not sure if I should be proud or depressed about that!

I joined TOPS in September 2002 as a way to prevent blindness. Weird, yes. After months of horrible head pain, I was finally diagnosed with Pseudotumor Cerebri (PTC) ~ also known as Intracranial Hypertension. The head pain was similar (but also totally different) than my typical migraines. The short story was that my body was producing too much CSF or just couldn't absorb the CSF it did make.

Typically this rare disorder blesses fat woman who are baby-making age. Thanks to lots of research, I know that it inflicts lots of people. However, the description fit me. If the pressure continues on and on, you could go blind thanks to the damage to the optic nerves. And that totally freaked me out. I made some major changes and immediately started a two year journey to lose 60 lbs. Thanks to the weight loss and lots of good meds, the PTC symptoms totally disappeared. Life was pretty wonderful physically...being a size 10 didn't make all my problems disappear but it sure did make some good shopping!

Fast forward a few years, out pops a nearly 11 lb baby. Most of the baby weight comes off. Then I start a job where I sit. And stress. Then sit some more. And now I have 60+ lbs to lose ~ again.

Apparently I celebrated the holidays a little too well in 2008 because at tonight's weigh in, I was certainly very plentiful. But this is what I enjoy about the start of each new year...I get to feel like I'm not toooooo far behind on all the work projects. I get to start all over on the weight loss since the first weigh in doesn't count as a gain or loss -- just a do over.

Hopefully I get back on track tomorrow...and start to put some thought into this whole journey. I wish I put as much thought into all this as Kristy does. I will certainly enjoy learning from her!

Day 1, we had lots of fun

Well, not really. I spent a large part of the day hungry, got up too late to swim in the morning before work, and felt kind of crappy all day with a vague sinus headache. Then when I went to swim in the evening, they had 6 of us crammed into a lane. SIX People?

But I made it through, managing to swim for about 15 min and I just finished a dinner of a half a sweet potato, 2 scrambled eggs, and a glass of skim milk. Now I'm officially full and sleepy and it's only 7:10!

Food for me is a huge issue, and one that I've refused to be regimented about in my health overhauls over the years. My biggest downfall with food is that I love it in most of it's forms, especially those that you can consume in mass quantities.

"Emotional Eating" describes eating habits that connect to emotions. The feeling of fullness prevents emotions from surfacing, acting as a kind of legal drug. It's not awesome...but cheaper than alcohol.

After weeks of eating anything and everything, the restrictions feel close to my attempts to quit smoking. Anger flares up more quickly, feelings that have been buried come to the surface, sharp answers to everything are on the tip of my tongue.

This sounds terrible, but it's good and necessary...or so they say.

Oh ya, on my detox diet, it's basically eating a ton of veggies and fruits and limiting the rest of your food to a couple of servings a day.

I'm off to make Kale and Bean soup! Yum!

Another year, another resolution!

Hello out there! Since I (Danielle) am a totally new blogger, I’m going to start out basic and short. If I keep this up (and Kristy can kick my butt if I don’t!), I’ll sprinkle in all the good “get to know me” stuff along the way. I have to get the first post up and out or it will never happen. I’m totally lacking in all areas that require motivation.

My 2009 Resolutions:

1. Get below 200 lbs
2. Relax more
3. Eat breakfast
4. Buy shoes of color
5. Drink more water
6. Eat at more hole-in-the-wall spots
7. Finish wedding scrapbook
8. Play Wii more
9. Learn how to cook better
10. Paint and decorate house

Numbers 1, 3, and 5 have brought me here. Hopefully Number 6 won’t turn into something that prevents 1, 3, and 5. Number 8 and 2 are part of my new exercise plans.

Number 1 is my big thing. It is a HUGE step for me even to get close to telling my weight. I belong to TOPS (Take Off Pounds Sensibly) and don’t mind the ladies weighing me in knowing my weight. However, it freaks me out to discuss it with others. I have a mirror…enough said. I did read an article the other day about how married couples do all kinds of gross things in front of each other, but showing their weight is a big issue. I feel the same way…my husband knows all the intimate details but I hate, hate, hate talking about my weight with my husband (and mother). Don’t worry -- I’ve been to therapy plenty of times…I know the husband/mother connection is an issue. But that’s for another day!!!

I want to thank Kristy for sharing the whole blog thing with me. Since I have been a TOPS member since 2002, I know all about support and how important it is. I’m excited about the opportunities and optimism that always comes with the new year. Plus I love to talk about myself (I think my strange life really is an interesting read). And since I’m more of a copy-editor at work vs. a real writer, blogging will take care of many needs in my life. Until next time…

"Beginnings are scary,...

Endings are sad, but it's the middle that counts" --Hope Floats.

So here I am at yet another beginning sort of.

3 years ago I lost 30 lbs. 30lbs!! That's a lot of weight. And it took me about 3 years to lose it. And I was proud...so proud.
Made it to an-almost-size-12...and for the next 3 years I was "getting ready to" lose another 20 lbs.

In that time, I've gained some weight back, and have been accidentally working on humility. I started a blog in 2006 calling it "THE FINAL COUNTDOWN" thinking that all i needed to do was apply my large brain and an exercise plan and i could do it.

I learned that life had other plans. I was sick a lot, under lots of work stress. etc. etc. And I fell into my comfortable patterns of Work--> Home--> TV watch/eat dinner
I stop/started a lot of exercise programs...expecting my body to perform at the level it did when I finished my weight loss. This over-exertion caused constant injuries to my right side (hip/knee/ankle).

So now I'm back at Square 1...and I'm taking it just a few weeks at a time
My plan for now is:

• Treat injuries monthly with Dr. George!
  
• Maintain 2 days/week of swimming
• 2 days/ week of weight training
• 9 day "Detox Diet"
  
• 9 day Yoga/Meditation daily (mental/physical detox)
  
• 9 Days without TV/DVD's (mental/habit detox ;-)
  
• Blogging with my friend, Danielle - Using the Buddy System!

So for the next month Danielle and I going to discuss the trials and tribulations associated with starting over. It's me, Danielle, and Oprah. We're all re-assessing and trying to get something started.